Parenting for Life

There is so much professional material on this subject…. All over the internet, that I will not even go there. I would like to share my perspectives, as we (my wife and I) have proudly watched our two children grow from toddlers to parents themselves

In the animal world – foals, calves, kittens or cubs are wired to be independent within a few hours to a few days of birth, as a part of their survival. Unlike them, a human baby at birth is helpless and very dependent on their parents, not just for a few hours/days, but also for weeks, months and 10’s of years. The umbilical cord is cut right after birth, but the emotional cord and caring, love and belonging ties, exist forever. Hence my belief is, that once a parent – you are a parent for life. This is a lifetime club membership, with a one-way entrance…. Although it is up to you to make it, as memorable and fun for everyone.

Parenting means different things to different people. No two parents are alike in the way their family functions and how their children grow up. We tend to adopt a lot from our childhood and our parents…. often making it the gold standard of parenthood. Remember that the world around us is changing continuously. It has been probably a time lapse of 25 years since you were a child and everything is now different. Just the level of information, stimuli, changes and acceptance of new values and behavior has raised the bar of parenthood to new challenges. Life was much simpler for our parents, I guess.

Parenting a Toddler:

This is probably the most enjoyable and fulfilling phase of parenthood. Bringing a new life in this world…. Your flesh and blood, clearly displaying characteristics of both parents. You see yourself in your child bringing back fond memories of your childhood. Besides developing their own likes/dislikes and starting to learn how to train their parents to respond to their every need – this is the period, when you will take the largest number of pictures and videos for posterity…. Thanks to the current level of technology of smartphones. Watching them walk, talk and eat their first solid food…. carefully overseeing that they do not choke – makes it all worth it. Here is how I represent the nurturing relationship.

Parents will be all over their child, forming a protective cocoon, to shelter them from any harm and nurture them in all ways. They will shield them from unwanted influences, at the same time imbibing their values and thinking, into their growing child.

This is also the time when young first time parents, really have to make a joint effort and share the new workload and suddenly you wish, you could get some more sleep. Before you will realize it, they will be potty-trained, learn to eat and play on their own and be ready for kindergarten and pre-school.

Parenting a Child:

This is the most difficult phase, as per my experience, although the most enjoyable. Your child is now ready for the next major phase in their life…. Going to school. Imagine how helpless you will feel. Your protective cocoon has now burst and your child is now exposed, to so many new influences, which you have no control over. Refer my earlier blog titled Circles of Life, for a better appreciation, of how your child will evolve within this new life circle. The elementary and middle school years is when your child will develop their own personality and will clearly start expressing their likes and dislikes. This is also the time to be most watchful, as both young middle school boys and girls, are growing quickly. Moreover, who can fight young hormonal urges? Here is how I represent this relationship

You have to give them their space to develop, experiment and learn on their own…..but under your watchful caring eyes. They are not ready to be on their own, but they need to start building confidence in their innate abilities, harnessing all your great child upbringing values and right vs wrong, etc. My observation is that if parents do not manage this phase, with the right balance of freedom and control – young children could go astray. They are struggling with understanding their future world, with so many different things around them. This is the best time when parents should appear as friends to their children, so they can come home and share and talk to them. Find the time to talk to them…. Find the common things you share, so that parents spend the quality time with their children, as they evolve to their teenage years.

Parenting a Teen:

This is probably the most frustrating parenting phase, as your child goes through high school, starts dating, driving, going to proms, and probably doing part time jobs. This is the first time as a parent; you may feel that you no longer have control of your child. If by now, your teenage child does not see you as a friend, they can come home and talk to, share their experiences, ask you for advice – clearly, something has not gone well in the previous phase.  Here is how I represent this relationship:

Your hovering or helicopter parenting has to almost completely go away. You still need the right level of watchful overlap, to ensure that you never lose touch with what is going on in your child’s life. In addition, yes, although a teen…. They will always be your child, who can do no wrong.

Trust is the key value that will keep your parent-teen relationship alive and happy. Set very clear expectations of allowable limits and dark red lines that shall never be crossed. Trust yourself in your upbringing and trust your teen children that they have learned well and understand the core right vs wrong values and will always do the right things.

Parenting an Adult:

This is the most satisfying phase, to see your teenage kids go through professional school, acquire key work-related skills and suddenly they are taller and bigger than you are. Moreover, you wonder, how and when did all this happen? Once your child leaves home for college, the very first semester at their dorm room at school – and they are gone. From now onwards, of course their rooms will remain untouched at their parent’s home (note: not their home), they have left the nest. In search of their own future, to fulfill their own desires and life dreams. Here is how I represent this relationship:

In this phase, parents treat their adult children as equals and take pride as they successfully cross one hurdle after another in their personal and professional lives. You are now peers, although will always be their parents. Refer my previous blog posting on Transaction Analysis and the reference to Adult—Adult transactions, for more clarity. The overlap shown above is not being ‘watchful’ but rather an intersection of common values and perspectives in life. One thing I must note…. Just as the Entropy of the universe is a constant, your parenting problems are too. Like shape shifters, problems just change form and appear to be constant in your life.  You may have thought that once my kids go to college, we will be free – not so fast. They may be adults, but they will forever by your little toddler kids.

So in the end game…. How do you measure yourself as a parent? My measure is very simple. If you have ensured that your children have grown up to be responsible adults who are financially independent and do not need you anymore – believe me, you have done very well. Most parents like/need their kids to stay dependent… forgetting that they will leave them one day and they need to survive and thrive on their own. So enjoy your sunset years, basking in the glory of your accomplishments and let future take it’s course.