We often talk about work-life balance and the need to ensure we are in harmony with both our split personality lives in a meaningful way. I am referring here to our home-family and work-family lives – which both exist simultaneously and any effort to compartmentalize or separate them in their own ‘time/space capsules is futile.

Most of us have our work phones (Outlook, Teams, etc.) attached to our physical selves and we are all the time, on-call, close to 60+ hours a week. Individual Contributors, mid-level Managers, and senior Managers are all mentally trying to sort out work issues while loading the dishwasher, watching their kid’s soccer/baseball practice, or a sports game on TV.

In the same way, we do not de-prioritize/shut off our home issues and leave them at home – when we are at work (on-site or remote). There is always the gnawing reminder of a critical home issue / repair service call, due bills, or a child commitment for that evening that is pre-occupying your mind as you attempt to focus on your all-hands meeting or a colleague’s work presentation.

That got me thinking (for those of us with families) about the relationships between the Career and Family entities. Clearly, once we transition into our post-school/college lives and have acquired the skills to pursue a livelihood – most of us (note: I do not say ALL) besides focusing on our future careers and a job, also start thinking of settling down into a family unit. At some point, we cross the threshold of marriage and start the basic family unit with our spouse. This is the beginning of our split lives turmoil and the story of our lives.

Think of yourself as walking on a treadmill, all your life. When the lives-split happens, suddenly the treadmill you are walking on, splits into 2 separate treads. The right and left legs must re-establish a new harmony as the 2 pathways may have different speeds and inclines. This will not happen right away, as you start your new career and family life. Over time as your career gets more challenging and the family unit grows beyond you and your spouse – the 2 sections of the treadmill suddenly have a mind of their own. The split personality paradigm starts becoming very challenging in our lives

For everyone, both lives are equally important and neither can be compromised. I consider Career and Family as the 2 pathways we are on, with our Jobs and Spouses being ‘states’ on these pathways. Gone are the days (probably in our parents’ days…) when we stayed on the 2 pathways, with just a single/same ‘state’. It is routine for someone to switch through multiple jobs on the Career path as well as 2+ spouses on the Family path – until they settle down. This state change on either path adds another variable and level of complexity. For our own sanity, we attempt to compartmentalize our 2 lives, as much as possible – to feel good about our family lives and our achievements at work.

Managing our 2 lives can get very challenging, particularly in the case when you and your spouse – both pursue very challenging/demanding Career paths. The Family side cannot and should not be compromised. The primary objective of pushing oneself on the career path is to ensure that your family is well taken care of. In such an instance, a strong extended family support system can allow one to ‘have their cake and eat it too’

I do not have any magic bullet/solution to resolve this conflict/problem. If the family unit recognizes this dichotomy and accounts for how work-life balance is managed by both spouses – all will be well.

My belief is that if you are at a crossroads on priorities – undoubtedly, Family wins over Career hands-down. If you ever make the wrong choice here and Career wins, you may find a short-term reward at the cost of a longer-term loss or weaker bonds that are necessary for a cohesive family unit.

The ideal situation is one where the 2 spouses have ‘different demand’ Career paths. ONLY one of the 2 spouses has the hi-demand career path with unexpected working hours and schedule needs. The other spouse has a ‘deterministic’ work schedule allowing the family unit to meet typical demands outside normal working hours. This requires close understanding between the spouses, that both spouses are making sacrifices for the ‘Family’ and the hi-demand career spouse does not get any extra brownie points for pursuing the hi-demand Career path 😊

My objective in this posting is to bring this to our active awareness so that we all recognize – that just as we eat-to-live – we also work-for-family, so that all can eat-to-live. Working hard and chasing difficult career goals is laudable – but never ever at the cost of your family harmony and relationships